Big Balls in Cowtown

Deb and Paul, Pat and I had a drink at the VFW bar and then drove to another bar where we were told we could get some food. The four of us had just seen Ricky Skaggs in concert at Grand Casino in Mille Lacs. Ricky's band is the tightest in blue grass, and they gave a high energy performance, from which we were still buzzing with booze and conversation.

The second spot was in Isle, a few miles off, aptly called Buzzy's. Inside the door stood three or four giant men, at least 6 feet 4 inches and 300 pounds each. Bulging arms hanging from beer barrel chest and shoulders. We headed toward some seats at the bar when I heard one of them say something about shots to the bartender. I asked what kind of shots, thinking we'd be included in the round. The guy turned around and says something like hey, how's it going, but didn't offer any info about the shots. I started to walk away when he grabbed my arm and said "hey, my buddy's got the biggest pair of balls, would you like to see them?"

I tried to keep my expression as bland as possible, trying not to smile. My companions were standing around me, us and the giants. The guy says to his friend, "show her your balls." He must have remembered his manners at this point and turned to Pat to ask him if it was OK for his friend to show me his balls, to which Pat said something to the effect that I was free to see them if I wanted to. Deb, who wasn't planning to engage in conversation with these guys, mumbled something like, "I've gotta see this."

His friend then reached into his jeans and rummaged around, kind of like the scene in "Zoolander" when Owen Wilson prepares to remove his underwear without removing his pants. I thought this was all for show and figured he expected us to stop him. What he was doing was wrapping his balls around his penis such that when he pulled them out, his penis would stay hidden, shy guy that he was.

Keep in mind, this guy was so tall that his crotch was almost eye level to me, and when he pulled out those balls, I had a pretty up-close and personal vantage point. They were huge, at least the size of tennis balls. As if this presentation were not enough, he proceeded to lick his middle finger and wipe it on one of those taught sacks.

We waited until we were out of range to double over laughing. We asked the bartender if this was standard entertainment, and he said "more often than we'd like." Just when you think you've seen it all . . . .