Thursday, March 23, 2006

Republican Lexicon

This arrived in my inbox today, very clever!

Repulican Lexicon

alternative energy sources n. New locations to drill for gas and oil.

bankruptcy n. A punishable crime when committed by poor people but not corporations

Cheney, Dick n. The greater of two evils.

class warfare n. Any attempt to raise the minimum wage.

climate change n. The day when the blue states are swallowed by the oceans.

compassionate conservatism n. Poignant concern for the very wealthy.

creationism n. Pseudoscience that claims George W. Bush's resemblance to a chimpanzee is totally coincidental.

DeLay, Tom n. 1. Past tense of De Lie 2. Patronage saint.

democracy n. So extensively exported that the domestic supply is depleted.

Fox News fict. Faux news.

free markets n. Halliburton no-bid contracts at taxpayer expense.

girly men n. Males who do not grope women inappropriately.

God n. Senior presidential adviser.

growth n. 1. The justification for tax cuts for the rich. 2. What happens to the national debt when Republicans cut taxes on the rich.

habeas corpus n. Archaic. (Lat.) Legal term no longer in use (See Patriot Act).

healthy forest n. No tree left behind.

honesty n. Lies told in simple declarative sentences--e.g., "Freedom is on the march."

House of Representatives n. Exclusive club; entry fee $1 million to $5 million.

laziness n. When the poor are not working.

leisure time n. When the wealthy are not working.

liberal(s) n. Followers of the Anti-christ.

neoconservatives n. Nerds with Napoleonic complexes.

9/11 n. Tragedy used to justify! any administrative policy. (see Terra, Terra, Terra)

No Child Left Behind riff. 1. v. There are always jobs in the military.

ownership society n. A civilization where 1 percent of the population controls 90 percent of the wealth.

Patriot Act n. The pre-emptive strike on American freedoms to prevent the terrorists from destroying them first.

pro-life adj. Valuing human life until birth.

Senate n. Exclusive club; entry fee $10 million to $30 million.

simplify v. To cut the taxes of Republican donors.

staying the course interj. Slang. Saying and doing the same stupid thing over and over, regardless of the result.

shit happens interj. Slang. Donald Rumsfeld as master historian.

voter fraud n. A significant minority turnout.

Wal-Mart n. The nation-state, future tense.

water n. Arsenic storage device.

woman n. 1. Entity; can be trusted to bear a child but can't be trusted to decide whether or not she wishes to have the child.
2. Entity; must have all decisions regarding her reproductive functions made by men with whom she wouldn't want to have sex in the first place.


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